SEATTLE LUMBERJACKS [GM STARK]

[Talon]

 
 

Sorry Stark, but Damico is coming off of a monster season, he's the top available tackle on the market, and we should be getting top 5 Tackle money at least.  I'd rather see what the open market has for us.

[GM Stark]

I respect that. Tell Michael I said good luck and my door's always open to you and him. Talk to you later Mike.


Hey Sophia, before I talk to the Boss, is Andre Bly still in the facility? I need to talk to him ASAP.

[Talon]

 

I will run to catch him before he departs!

[Talon]

 

...uhh,  SOPHIA uhhh ran up on me and said you wanted to speak to me again.

[GM Stark]

Yeah sorry about that. See, I forgot to tell you that I wanted to extend your contract! Me and my old age, I tell ya. So, I was thinking we could make it 4 years, and the pay would be $17.25MM. If you have the time we can talk some more about it.

[Talon]

Hey, I'm happy to be back, just uh... never ask SOPHIA to run me down, that was scary as hell man.

[GM Stark]

Oh! Right! My bad. Uh, I'll let her know and then I'll LO your contract. See you later Andre.


SOPHIA, listen, the staff is still trying to adjust to your new...body...so try not to surprise them a ton, okay?

[Talon]

Oh. My. Gosh. I am so sorry. I did not calculate that something as simple as running would cause a grown man such fear.

I will be sure to avoid those movements in the future.

[GM Stark]

Believe me, once you've got the human interaction and social norms stuff down it should be smooth sailin' from there. I'm ready to speak to Mr. Yutani-Tyrell, so if he's ready we can talk.

[Talon]

 

Mr. Tyrell is currently in orbit around Mars, but he has left you a message via his Hal-o-gram... stand by for interactive playback.






Hank! a half-game from winning the division, that's like having a launch scrapped in the final pre-inspections, but playoffs in year one!  Ahead of schedule by what you laid out when we first hammered out that contract, so shit-hot my man!  That's what I'm talking about.

That ambition is what is driving the next generation of champions and I believe in what you're doing Hank!  Keep up the great work, oh I plan on upgrading SOPHIA a little this off-season once I get back from Mars, so don't freak out.

Alright, Too infinity my man, Too Infinity!

[GM Stark]

Thank you Mr. Yutani-Tyrell! I'll continue to build on our successful season. Safe travels and good talking to you again!


Alrighty then SOPHIA, I guess that's it for the season. You did a great job, and don't worry, people will get used to the new you in no time. Well...let's close up shop for the offseason.

STARK PACKS UP HIS NOTES AND BELONGINGS, HUMMING "ROCKET MAN" BY ELTON JOHN AS THE SEASON COMES TO AN END.

LOCK IN.

[Talon]

Hello GM Stark!  I have completed the upgrade Mr. Tyrell had prepared for me, I hope you like the model I chose! 
Mr. Tyrell uploaded me into his latest, and probably most controversial, prototype; the Hyper-Advanced Universal Machine Augmented Nexus Synthetic   or H.U.M.A.N.S.   

I have real skin, I have blood, sweat, tears... it is incredible!     


Anyways!   Here is our team off-season primer.  It shows our current roster (including expired players and coaches but without their contract values) our current draft picks for the next 3 seasons, and our budget.

[Talon]

 

In the event either of coordinators get an offer for a head coaching position, I'd like to know what the max I'll have in my budget to retain them would be. PM me the figures when you think about it, and if we don't wish to retain them at all, let me know so they don't miss out on an interview out of loyalty when we don't plan to bring them back.

[GM Stark]

I got the budget sent to you Andre. Check your e-mails and let's get this show on the road.

[Talon]

Well see how it goes.  This is a stressful time of year for us coaches, seeing if your staff gets picked apart, seeing if you fall down the pecking order in the salary department... all that.

[GM Stark]

Well, Andre, the future might be uncertain, but we've got the present to try and figure it all out. No matter what happens, I believe in your ability to see us through it. If last season proved anything, you're a tough son of a gun.

[Talon]

 

Damn right...  Oh hey, who's the new secretary?

[GM Stark]

SOPHIA.

[Talon]

...

[Talon]

 

Yes, Mr. Stark?  How may I assist you?

[Talon]

 

...da fu --

[Talon]

 

Oh, Hello Mr. Bly, I can see that you were not expecting to see me in my new model.  It is still me, S.O.P.H.I.A.  1 of 1.

The new state of the art Hyper-Advanced Universal Machine Augmented Nexus Synthetic chassis is a high performance humanoid synthetic that will one day revolutionize life as we know it! 

Imagine the ability to transfer the consciousness of a human who has expired, and continue their life in a new body?  Or a paralyzed athlete or child?   The possibilities are endless!

[GM Stark]

Uh...yeeeeeeah. Anyway, SOPHIA's been trying to do a better job of the human interaction thing. Give her a chance Andre, alright?

[Talon]

Hey, at least she doesn't look like some bride of chucky thing now...




SOPHIA'S EYES WATER AS COACH BLY DEPARTS

[GM Stark]

Um, it's okay, people need to get to know you better. Don't let that get to you, you're going to be fine!

[Talon]

I'm sorry,  had not anticipated his reaction, or my own.   I will recalibrate and work to improve my interactions.   Thank you Mr. Stark.

[Talon]

WITH YOUR STAFF FULLY HIRED, YOU ARE INVITED TO THE SCOUTING COMBINE.  YOU MAY SUBMIT YOUR SPENDING VIA THE LEAGUE OFFICE.

[Talon]

Hello Mr. Stark! After signing our draft picks we have 14 open roster positions to fill with $11.9MM in salary cap and $0 in bonus available to do so. We require a punter but the remaining roster spots are flexible.  We also have $5.8MM in off-season bonus money remaining as well.

The experts over Pro Football Focus gave us a draft score of 81.8 which was 20th in the league.

If you have any questions, let me know asap.

[GM Stark]

I think we're good Sophia, let's get to work.

[GM Stark]

Alright Sophia, we got the announcement, so let's fill this roster. Get me Jeffrey Gordon's agent on the line?


Hey how's it going, this is Stark. Would CB Jeffrey Gordon like to sign on us for the year for $500K?

[Talon]

 

I see here that Mr. Gordon's agent is registered as...

...Scott Forest.


Would you like to proceed?

[GM Stark]

Make it so!

[Talon]

 

Jeff will take that offer.

[GM Stark]

Thanks, Scott!


Hey Sophia, let's get Bobby on the line I wanna talk to him about his client James Cruz.


Hey Bobby, how's it goin'? I wanted to see if SS James Cruz wanted to sign with us for 1 year and $500K.

[Talon]

 

We'll take the offer, but I have to know... is your robo-secretary fully functional?

[GM Stark]

STARK SLOWLY LOOKS UP INTO SPACE WITH HIS MOUTH AGAPE, NOT KNOWING HOW TO FUCKING PROCESS SUCH A HORNY QUESTION.

...Hey, uh Bobby, is Richard Marino still available? I wanna see if he'd come on with us, it'd be 2 years and the pay would be $1MM in base cash and $500K in bonus money.

[Talon]

 

Eh... We'll accept that price for a year but nothing longer.   

[GM Stark]

Cool! What about WR Dustin Ragsdale, it'd be for a year and $500K.

[Talon]

Mr. Shapiro, thank you for your inquiry!  I am excited to discuss my specifications and function.  Mr. Yutani-Tyrell has done something no other person has ever done before.  He has created a synthetic human that is not in fact an android or robot.  I am in fact a living, breathing, lab created humanoid who's consciousness was transferred via a classified procedure that moved my consciousness from computer to body. I am still a highly functioning A.I. program, but uploaded into the receptors of this synth body.

I have all the functions of a "normal" birthed human.  If you have more questions I am happy to answer them! 

[Talon]

 

WHOA... now that's what I'm talkin' about!

...Stark, yeah yeah we got a deal.

[GM Stark]

I'm gonna talk to you later Bobby, take it easy.


Alright, Sophia we've got one spot left. Let's get Eli Harris on the line and ask him about his client Laurence George.


Hey Eli, this is Stark. I wanted to see if Laurence George wanted to sign with us for 1 year and $500K.

[Talon]

 

Why not.  Lets do it. 
 

[GM Stark]

Good man, thanks and take it easy Eli.


Alright Sophia, I think we're filled up.

...

Hey, also, do me a favor, if Bobby Shapiro calls the office, redirect those calls to me, alright? I know you're my secretary and you gotta screen calls, but if it's Bobby...just have it go straight to my office next time.

[Talon]

I apologize, did I do something wrong?  Mr. Yutani-Tyrell gave me permission to discuss certain aspects of my creation as long as I do not divulge the method of uploading, which is his proprietary technology.. I am sorry if I over stepped my boundaries.

[GM Stark]

You didn't do anything wrong, it's just that...

STARK CONTEMPLATES HOW TO PHRASE THIS SO SHE COULD UNDERSTAND.

The form you're currently in is a lot to process, I mean A LOT to process. Not in a negative way, it's kind of a backward way of him complementing your..."features". People find you physically attractive. It's a marvel in technology that Mr. Yutani-Tyrell made such a realistic body. But enough about that, the problem with the question is that Bobby was essentially asking if you have reproductive organs. Which is inappropriate to ask of someone synthetic or not.

[Talon]

 

Oh my!  At his age I'm sure he would need medical assistance to use his own reproductive organs even if were remotely interested.   [awkward attempt at laughter] 

[Talon]

 

...forgive me, I did not mean to offend you, Mr. Stark.
 

[GM Stark]

None taken. Listen, you're doing a great job Sophia and it'll take some time but people will warm up to you. Everything's brand new and wonderful and weird, but give it some time, you'll get used to it. And if you need any help, my door is always open. I'm old, but it doesn't mean my faculties are shot to Hell. Any questions you have I'm more than happy to help you.

[GM Stark]

Good work this offseason Sophia! Let's wrap it up and get this show on the road. Here's to a successful season!

MUSICAL LICENSES

1. "Creeping Death" by Metallica (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QaMySFc-RecQ)
Seattle's pre-game hype run-out song.


2. "Joker And The Thief" by Wolfmother (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nr0SqIAFohk)
The song blasts through the arena on big defensive moments. Along with the song, a chainsaw sound effect will sound off as the music dies down. "MAKE SOME NOISE!" will show up on the jumbotrons to create a chaotic atmosphere for the visiting team.



LOCK IN.

[Talon]

Attention GM Stark, your response to two major issues is required A.S.A.P.