TOP MOMENTS IN HIFL HISTORY

[Talon]

Share threads from the past to be remembered forever, here.

[GM Oldfield]

MIKE POWERS' FLIGHT ARRIVES TO THE AIRPORT, A HORDE OF MEDIA GATHERS ON THE TARMAC AWAITING THE NEW RAPID CITY GM.  THE GROUND CREW WHEELS THE BOARDING STAIRS TO THE AIRCRAFT, AND A FEW MOMENTS LATER THE DOOR OPENS.  AFTER A FEW MINUTES GM POWERS CAN BE SEEN JUST INSIDE THE DOOR TO THE AIRPLANE, OBVIOUSLY IN A HEATED DISCUSSION WITH AN UNSEEN PARTY.  GM POWERS POINTS HIS FINGER TOWARDS THE PERSON, WHEN SUDDENLY A PAIR OF SUITED MEN GRAB HIM FROM UNDER EACH ARM.  THE SECURITY GUARDS DRAG GM POWERS OUTSIDE THE PLANE ONTO THE BOARDING STAIRS, THEN REENTER THE AIRCRAFT AND CLOSE THE DOOR.  GM POWERS REMOVES HIS MICHIGAN MONSTERS HAT AND THROWS IT AGAINST THE CLOSED DOOR OF THE PLANE.

THE PLANE TAXIS AWAY FROM THE STAIRCASE, LEAVING GM POWERS STANDING THERE FUMING WITH HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS.  GM POWERS FLIPS THE PLANE THE DOUBLE BIRD BEFORE STOMPING DOWN THE STAIRS TO THE AWAITING MOB OF MEDA AWAITING HIM.


Did you ever expect to find yourself being traded out of Michigan?

Are you serious?!? I feel like Shaun Day here, except I actually have accomplishments to my name.  I am a two time Conference Champion.  I've gone to the Conference Championship multiple other times.  I've won a bunch of Division Titles.....

GM POWERS STOPS AND TAKES A DEEP BREATH.  HE LETS IT OUT SLOWLY IN AN EFFORT TO CALM HIMSELF.

Let me tell you how my day was.  Shortly before I was to report for todays Press Conference, I decided to go for a walk with my wife and my dog.  We were having a nice time, when Miss Waters' personal driver pulled up alongside us.  He tells me that there was a team emergency, and I needed to come with him right away.  I kissed my wife and hopped into the car expecting that a player was injured, or someone was freshly diagnosed with cancer or something of that nature.  We pull up to the Michigan team airplane, and I am told to go talk to Miss Waters inside it.  Before I know what was happening, we are in the air and I am told that I, along with a handful of other players, am being traded to Rapid City!?!

I tried to get a full explanation from Miss Waters, but she sequestered herself in her personal quarters in the plane.  Her two goons protected the door.  Next thing I know, we've landed and I am pushed out of the plane.....I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT DAKOTA I AM IN!!!  My wife is still in Michigan for crying out loud!!!  I don't even think she knows about any of this yet!!  This is bullshit!!  This team was 2-14 the year before I got here, and I took them to the damn Impact Bowl!!


Do you believe Vanessa Waters made the right decision trading you?

Did you eat lead paint as a kid or something?  What kind of stupid question is that?  I have been working my fingers to the bone building that team back up.  While I will forever be grateful to Miss Waters for giving me an opportunity after my scandal in Tombstone, it is now my mission in life to show her that she done fucked up.


What do you make of the trade overall, and the pieces you have here in Rapid City now?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO IS ON MY TEAM!!  I could answer any and all questions about the Michigan roster.  But the 'pieces' I have here in Rapid City?  I need someone to give me a roster.  Does anyone have a roster?  ANYBODY?!?

A MEMBER OF THE MEDIA PULLS UP A ROSTER ON THEIR PHONE AND SHOWS IT TO GM POWERS.  GM POWERS QUICKLY READS THE INFORMATION ON THE SCREEN BEFORE HANDING BACK THE PHONE. 

At first glance Brown, Walker, and Strong are a nice trifecta of receivers to have.  Chandler and Seymore will make for a great pass rush.  Hines, Gray, and Rosendo Hughes will make life difficult on opposing receivers for sure.  Like I said, that is all on first glance.  I need more time to become familiar with the team.


What do you want to say to the Rapid City and Michigan fans?

It's been a real weird day.  I need to call my wife - can someone tell me which fucking Dakota this is!?!

GM POWERS WANDERS AWAY FROM THE REPORTERS, CELL PHONE PRESSED TO HIS HEAD.

[Talon]

Well shit, I read that piece of fuckin' paper, but I wanted to hear it from your goddamn lips.

My main fuckin' question is, if we sit that sonofabitch Fermin this week, will it enhance the cocksuckers ability to play next fuckin' week, and not make this a nagging problem.

LOOKING FOR THE TEAM DOC TO DO A CHECK UP, FERMIN ROBERTS STOPS DEAD IN HIS TRACKS HEARING GM POWERS' COMMENTS REFERENCE HIS NAME AND THE EXPLETIVES THAT SURROUND IT...

...


OFFENDED BY HEARING HIS GM CALL HIM A "COCKSUCKER" HE WALKS AWAY, DISHEARTENED.

[Talon]

"Alright Coach, sounds good. Let's take it to the Scorpions this week!"

-----

"Lolly, can you please get in contact with GM Pancho in Long Beach for me."

-----

"GM Pancho, how are things? I felt the tribute we paid to your tight ends went rather swimmingly, however, it appeared to cost our franchise in the sum of 500k in PR. I know there was no cost negotiated in our agreement as I think we both felt it wouldn't amount to any. I didn't have to honor that request, but I did so with the hopes of a new working relationship with you. I don't feel our franchise paying the money is fair in this circumstance and I am asking, would you now do the honorable thing and cover this PR cost?"

Well I was feeling good about our new friendship but from what I'm understanding this conversation doesn't sound so friendly.  It's odd that you say I felt that the cost of the celebration wouldn't amount to anything since 1) I already paid 500k for my TE to have golden bracelets and 2) I went into the negotiation expecting to pay you a sum of money.  My head coach Mr. Ginobili alerted me that we would have to pay you for your services but when you didn't ask for any my respect for you grew.  Now I see that you were not being kind.  You were being a fool.

And now that I have spent my money on 500k worth of jewelry when I asked to use your facilities first and you gave me no charge ... now that I only have 250k left of PR and you have 1.5 Million you want to give me a 500k tab!? 

I was wrong.  You haven't changed from your NBL days.  Your methods have simply grown over the years and now you are trying a new one on me.  Economics!!

[Talon]

James, once again, calling about a free agent clit of yours. Our kicker last year, Matthew Larson. I know I disrespected him last year, getting his name wrong in a presser, but I would like to bring him back.

Is he interested in returning to Oakland?

He IS quite the little pleasure button... isn't he...? 
   

[Talon]

I know, but you are one of the leaders on this team and I wanted to be upfront and give you the heads up and respect of telling you we were going to change things this week. Thank you Roberto, can't wait to see you out there on the field this week.

Roberto?  Hey man... who the hell do you think I am?  My name is KYLE. You want to talk to me like I'm some important part of the team, and then you call me ROBERTO?!

...Go to hell, suit!  


KYLE AQUINO STORMS OUT OF THE OFFICE IN A BIG HUFF AND PUFF MOMENT, HE SLIPS AND FALLS OUTSIDE YOUR SECRETARY'S OFFICE AND SLAMS HIS HEAD ON THE PRINTER, NOW IS IN THE MEDICAL TRAINERS ROOM, HE IS DIAGNOSED WITH A CONCUSSION AND WILL MISS THIS WEEKS GAME...

[Talon]

END OF SEASON PRESS CONFERENCE

THE MEDIA WAITS FOR YOU TO GIVE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE GAME AND YOUR SEASON AS A WHOLE.

Well...fuck.

[Talon]

Look at me... I am the captain now.
   

LMAO funny for me.  I'm guilty of dropping that phrase.....a lot.  Probably too much for a 2 year old movie.....

~ GM Powers

[Talon]

Darlene can you get me C Harry Ham please

------


Mr. Ham, as you may already know we added Mr. Tribble to our line up. Now we can't play both of you in the same position at the same time. We can, play both of you at the same time and here is how we can get all that talent on the field at once, I would like to know if you could move to Tackle and help strengthen our line. This way we can get yourself, Gallegos, Wentworth, Womack and Tribble out there creating a wall so strong that Kyle would have a lifetime to throw the ball. This will also allow you to start 16 games and help you pad your resume with two positions.

It would've made a hell of a lot more sense to move me to Tackle BEFORE training camp so I could get some training at the position, but I'll do whatever the team needs me to do man, Playing time is important to me, so if its start at Tackle or sit at center, I'll move..

You are a true gamer and team player and I am hoping these preseason games can you the reps you need to situate you at Tackle. Thank you Ham, I will call your agent and put it in with him.

-----



Darlene can you get me Agent Drew L. thank you


-----

Drew, I wanted to let you know that your client Harry Ham realized his playing time was in jeopardy since we acquired Tribble and is interested in moving positions from Center to Tackle in order to start 16 games. I wanted to run it by you so there isn't any confusion, misunderstandings or any misdealing.

He Realized? ...or he was threatened?

I guarantee you there was no threatening. With having two centers both will be sharing starting duties and game time and he said and I quote directly from Harry, he said "Playing time is important to me, so if its start at Tackle or sit at center, I'll move" I never told him move or else.

Gotcha... well it doesn't concern me, I only deal with contracts.  Have at it.

Well, it does concern you considering I have to now release your other client, tackle E. Conti.

Darlene can you get me Steve Rosenhaus

-------

Steve, I see your client DT David Cain is still on the free agent market. I am willing to sign him and make him a starter right now for 1 year at 1 million

Hello GM Phoenix,  I am Jennifer from the league office.  I am here to inform you that you breached procedure as of 1:28 AM, you were in violation of the league's roster limitations. 

Your promotion of Freddy Purnell to the main roster put you in violation.  As a result, you are penalized 5MM in salary this season and next, and must get your team under the required roster size and within the confines of the salary cap before you may proceed.

After locking in for your training camp you must be in compliance with the roster limits and requirements at ALL TIMES.

As a result of this problem, the league will allow you to use your next seasons' amnesty clause to comply with your new roster limits.

Please be more careful in the future.   

Hey ass hole, just so you know, this is our official demand to be traded for ALFRED GLASS and MICHAEL BARCLAY.



You don't fuck me and my clients over like that, with that attitude.

Drew, a team has to make moves. I didn't have attitude I wanted to let you know what we were doing. Those guys are not getting traded anytime soon, after this year we can talk, players get let go all the time. I was making you aware.

(Eddie Hangs up with Drew)

------

Darlene can you get me commissioner Wilkinson please

GM Phoenix, what can I do for you? 

Good evening and I am sorry to bother you at this time but I was informed by your office that I would be heavily fined for having went over the max roster limit. Mr. Wilkinson I would like you to hear my case. As you are aware my time here in HIFL has been penalty free. I have done my due diligence and have not been penalized by your offices during my time here. As you know, the GM's in this league are burning the midnight oil preparing for another fantastic season. With that said I have been doing my best to bring the proud franchise of Orlando back to the top so I am always making moves. Now, last year I was a bit disorganized but managed to stay out of trouble because of a wonderful PR women I have. I decided to get a better filling systems and a few fax machines to better manage the happening within my office.

Now, as of 1:28 AM eastern standard time I was putting in two faxes to your office. The first was a release of two players E. Conti and J. Growler. I was also sending a fax about another two players, the re-positioning of H. Ham and Promotion of F. Purnell. I sent the release forms first and then the promotion. As you know, I have done a complete overhaul of our computer systems from our brand new sponsor Microsoft. It seems that all the kinks have not been worked out completely as our IT guys are working effortlessly to get this all ready for the new season. Mr. Wilkinson our systems are still being worked on and that seemed to cause this confusion with the faxes in the order that they were sent. If you look at the time stamp they were sent five minutes apart but in the wrong order that I originally sent them due to my system upgrades still being worked on. This error has come due to a hiccup in the new system and I plead that the 5MM dollar fine being imposed by your offices be lifted this one time or if at the very least for this year. Thank you Mr. Wilkinson and I hope you understand my position in this unique but stressing situation.

GM Phoenix the league has a strict rule system in place in regards to roster and salary violations.  For the league to make an exception for your situation without having done the same for GM Gravedigger, GM Powers, or any other GM who has violated the roster parameters in the past would be something only Roger Goodell would do.

I am sorry, but the league's rulings are final, the penalties have been the same since the league was formed, so there will be no modifications at this time.  You are One roster space short for the remainder of the year and can have a maximum of 39 players, you have been fined $5MM this season and will face the same penalty next season, and you are currently 2.5MM over the salary cap and must clear that cap room before you are clear to continue.

As my assistant Jennifer said, you may use your next-offseason amnesty clause to remove a players entire salary from your books, but all other moves will still follow the league's release guidelines of 50% payout for the life of the deal, or you may seek a trade.

Please be more aware and careful in the future. 

...

Mr. Adores, our new Microsoft system upgrades from our new sponsor Microsoft resulted in a hiccup sending out faxes. this will be taken care of. We are in prime position to make big moves and waves so I ask you to continue to trust me because I have not let you down yet sir. This will be handled.

...I am not thrilled at all with the news of two of our best players wanting to be moved. 

Fix all of this and right the ship. Consider this strike one.

O.K Mr. Adores, will do, thank you for your patience in this matter and giving me the opportunity to handle this. I'll get to it right now

----

Darlene can you get me Agent Drew

----

Drew I apologize for the last hour, if it sounded like I hung up it's these new systems we have in place, everything is wifi and electronically connected Glass and Barclay are a huge part of Orlando's future. Their PR has made them a hit in the city they are the cogs. We have always had a great working relationship and I want to continue that. If I came off Brash I apologize but we have always been straight forward with each other and I was just giving you insight on my next moves with your client. If you let me, I can restructure the Glass contract so that he is making 14 million next season and 3 Million PR and Barclays contract so he is making 10 million next season with 3 million PR. Let's keep this relationship afloat and continue doing business.

I want Conti re-signed, and I want those raises now.

If not, our stance does not change. 

Ok Drew, if you want the raises now, I can do this, I can give them a 1 million dollar raise and 1 million dollar pr bump this year and then give them each 3 million dollar raises next year and 2 million dollar pr bumps next year and resign conti. How does that sound? I think that's a fair compromise. That means next year Glass will be making 16 mil and 4 mil in pr and Barclay will be making 11.5 mil and 5.5 mil pr

No No, I want the money you offed, I just want it now.

$14MM and $3MM PR for Glass, now.

$10MM and $3MM PR for Barclay, now.

...Or, you can move us to a team that won't rise up and keep pounding that red button.

OK Drew, I am giving permission to talk to GM Powers about possible trade for Barclay so I can adjust money so that I can re-sign Conti and keep Glass

Now we're talking...

Thanks.

Darlene can you get me Amber Molina please, thank you

---

Ms. Molina I am almost embarrassed to call you with this, but I have come to realize with all we went through your client Stephen Green is best suited for WR and I would like to move him back to his original position WR.

Oh wow, that is funny.

AMBER LAUGHS, UNCONTROLLABLY FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

I deserved that, I'll leave him where he is, thank you Amber

You can move him, I don't care... It's just funny that this is what started all this bullshit for you and now you're going back to him being a wide receiver... we prefer playing WR anyways, it's just a riot!

Darlene, can you get me Gregory Neal, thank you

---

Neal, glad to see you. You have been a gamer since day 1, So I don't want any confusion about playing time. I want you and Rose on the field at the same time. So I am offering, if you are willing to move to CB, you'll be on the field with Alfred, Theodore and Sam. Imagine what you all can do. What do you say?

Would I be starting? seems like corner is pretty solid with Al and Theo, man.

Yes, you will be starting. I'll put it in.

Title: Re: HIFL LEAGUE OFFICE
Post by: GM Rebelicious on January 23, 2016, 06:39:57 PM
Orlando receives:

WR Richard Taylor

Atlanta receives:

CB Gregory Neal
S8 Las Vegas's 3rd Round Pick

I can't wait to hear that you got fired... Deuces, bitch.

Darlene can you get me CB Chris Robinson, thanks

------

Chris, as you know we are loaded at CB and I know playing time will become an issue. This benefits you and the team to get you as much playing time as possible so I'm suggesting a move to FS. This takes you from 5th in the CB depth chart to 2nd in the free safety depth chart. This will help the team and this will also let you build on your resume that you can use when you become a free agent.

 

Oh god, this doesn't mean I'm being traded as soon as I leave the office, does it?

Absolutely not Chris. You have my word.

HA, that means about as much to me and the boys as those emails telling me a dead guy in Zaire left me 35MM and if I send him my social security number, DOB, and $5,000.00 I can claim it.

Later.

[Talon]

  If I don't practice hard, I don't practice hard man. If I'm playing good, I'm good. I mean � simple as that. It ain't about that... I mean it's... It's not about that... At all. You know what I'm saying I mean... But it's...it's easy � to, to talk about... It's easy to sum it up when you're just talking about practice. We're sitting in here, and I'm supposed to be the starter, and we in here talking about practice. I mean, listen, we're talking about practice, not a game, not a game, not a game, we talking about practice. Not a game. Not, not � Not the game that I go out there and die for and play every game like it's my last. Not the game, but we're talking about practice, man. I mean, how silly is that? � And we talking about practice. I know I supposed to be there so I'm there. I know I'm supposed to lead by example... I know that... And I do on game day..  But we're talking about practice man. What are we talking about? Practice? We're talking about practice, man. [laughter from the media crowd] We're talking about practice. We're talking about practice. We ain't talking about the game.  We're talking about practice, man. When you come to the arena, and you see me play, you see me play don't you? You've seen me give everything I've got, right? But we're talking about practice right now. We talking about practice.

[Talon]

We are going to have some young players over the next few years. How would you go about trying to develop those players to reach their potential in congruence with your offensive scheme?

I'm from USC, you're going to have to spell that out a little more hass.

I don't even like college ball and I LOL'd.  ~ GM Powers

[Talon]

That was a good display of our abilities there!

Yes it was! I am highly impressed with how the team played. Great job by you and the rest of the coaching staff as well as the players. Overall a solid win for us.

Yes! ...that's what I just said.
 

[Talon]

  Actually, since we're still here...


COACH JINGLE PULLS OUT HIS PHONE AND HITS A FEW BUTTONS, MOMENTS LATER SPOTIFY BEGINS TO PUMP "BABY GOT BACK" THROUGH THE SPEAKERS, FILLING THE ROOM WITH THE BEAT AND RHYMES.   COACH BREAKS IT DOWN, SHAKING 'THAT THANG' AS THE MUSIC ROCKS YOUR OFFICE LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN.
   

[Talon]

100/0 is clearly a way to make part of the team feel alienated.

"Are we in the business of winning games or making everyone happy? Listen, I want to get everybody on the field... but it's not always possible."

"You said this to me a few weeks ago:

Trevor Jose is definitely a QB who is best when throwing the ball and keeping teams off their game with his great passing.

We both agree that he's our best playmaker and we've got to put the ball in his hands. The strategy seemed to work as we hung with the premier team in the HIFL until the very end, did we not?"

Hey shit bag, I wasn't arguing that we did fine airing it out, I'm just saying you alienated our running backs and we still lost the damn football game.

You don't think that on a short yardage situation in the final minutes of the game running the ball could have eaten the clock a bit or maybe stopped them from sitting back in coverage and picking off the pass to end the game?

I don't know, maybe 95/5 if you want to be extreme,   Or some run plays on 3rd and short or near the goal line ...

Either way its done now.  You've pissed off the entire RB Corps, but you're not in the business of making everyone happy, so I guess it's just going to fester and turn into a very toxic locker room.   

I'm going to get to practice. Send me the strategy when you're ready.


COACH WALKS OUT.

[Talon]

YOU ARE ONCE AGAIN APPROACHED BY YOUR OWNER, THIS TIME IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS FOR ALL THE LEAGUE AND WORLD TO SEE ON LIVE TELEVISION

What part of ANY deals you make comes to me first PERIOD did you not understand?!

I don't care if you're trading casserole recipes with another GM, if it goes to the league office without my blessing it was not allowed... for that you force my hand now let me make this CRYSTAL clear.


YOU.

ARE.

FORBIDDEN.

FROM.

MAKING.

ANY.

TRADES.

FOR.

THE.

NEXT.

FULL.

YEAR!

P-E-R-I-O-D!!!!  

[Talon]

THE PAIR OF 283 and 329 POUND LINEMEN SHARE A LAUGH, REMEMBER THE DAYS THEY DREAMED OF BEING A RUNNING BACK OR QUARTERBACK, BACK IN THE DAYS BEFORE HAIR GREW ABOVE THEIR PACKAGES, BEFORE THEY EVER FOUND THEIR FATHERS PORN STASH HIDDEN IN THE SHED.. THEY LAUGH AND SNAP BACK TO REALITY AND LEAVE YOU WITHOUT A FULLBACK.. A SMALL SHEET OF PAPER FALLS FROM THE HEAVENS WITH THE LAST TWO FULLBACKS ON THE MARKET, BUT IT SLIPS OUT OF THE WINDOW BLOWING INTO THE WIND LIKE SO MUCH OF THE POTENTIAL THAT CAME WITH THIS JOB WHEN YOU WERE FIRST HIRED.

[Talon]

I appreciate the honesty Oliver.  You put your cards on the table and I can definitely respect that.  Since you came at me that way I'll return the favor.

You'd rather be working outside than in the slot. 

You'd rather be #1 but at least #2

And you expected to have that happen this season but when the offseason finished up - you were left questioning your future on the franchise based on the moves I made. You had one set of expectations and I delivered another.

Now I can work on getting you more looks outside. I can't guarantee to make you my WR#1 or #2 THIS season. And i'm also hyper aware that my butt being on the hot seat isn't just affecting me but is also impacting you guys on the team. 

Let's start with the pre season. I plan on making you the primary target and list you as #1 on the depth chart for both those games and then see how we can build on that moving forward in the season.

So I want to visit this conversation throughout the season and check in on you.  I do value you Oliver and I want to show it - so you can see it. 

But like I said this isn't a one time conversation we'll touch base throughout the season.

How you feeling now Oliver?

I just get this vibe that you're brushing my issues under the carpet just wanting me to shut up and do my job.. well yessa' massa' I'll get back to it fo ya ri'nowa!

[Talon]

Absolutely.  You see, the entire program is based on the main premise of my best selling book "Ladoux or don't: Stretching your body and mind to a healthier, happier you"

The entire book came to me as I laid in a ditch along side the highway, drinking away my sorrows of losing the impact bowl in my final season... then I realized how stupid I was.  I had lived a life that others would kill for..

I tried to get up out of that ditch, but I slipped and fell into a gnarly split... but in that moment I felt peace.  As my loins and tendons stretched to a new level, I felt enlightened and overwhelmed with pure relaxation...

From that day on I spent my money learning to train and later instruct Yoga, and since then I have helped millions of people overcome mental walls  to find their inner peace.

...Fuck all y'all, I POPPED for DDP Yoga making its way into the HIFL via Laroux ~ GM Strike

[Talon]

Hell yeah man, HELL YEAH!  ...did you know a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig!"

I haven't heard that before. I got one for you though, did you know that pigs hardly have any sweat glands, so the phrase 'sweating like a pig' is largely inaccurate?

Brilliant!  Hopefully the fuckers don't end up walking and talking and trying to run the freakin' farm... Don't need bacon tryin' to dictate my life.

One look at the Oval Office might have you believing we're too late for that shit, Justin. Anyway, nice talking with you, keep up that work ethic you've been putting in!

[Talon]

...are you talking to me, my child?

[Talon]

Well you see...


COACH UNEXPECTEDLY HURLS A LARGE FROZEN BLOCK OF ICE AT GM DAZZ, THE GM STRUGGLES TO CATCH IT DUE TO ITS COLD, HARD, AND SLIPPERY NATURE.. THE BLOCK FALLS AND SHATTERS ON THE FLOOR LEAVING WET DEBRIS EVERYWHERE. ...IN THAT MOMENT YOU REALIZE THE DIFFICULTY OF HOLDING ONTO THE BALL WHEN IT IS A BIG FROZEN ICE CUBE...

...Mixon fumbled once, Johnson fumbled twice, Rizzo fumbled once, and then in the last seconds Whaley fumbled.. it was cold and tough to hang onto the ball, just part of the weather we've had to deal with this year.

[Talon]

Man you know we ready to bash them weak ass receivers they got out there, push em, shove em, punk them out like the little bitch boys they are!  Dickey ain't Dick!  Ralph Brown?  Man What can Brown do fo' me?  he can sit down and take his whoopin like a man!!!  Who else they got? Whoever else they got can get this right here!

HOLT GRABS HIS CROTCH AGGRESSIVELY

Yeah!  That's right, all this up in they face after I teabag them on a sick ass P.D!  I call them PUT DOWNS because that's what I do!  I PUT THEM DOWN!  like a Wrestler, yessir!  For that 3 count baby!  Jose Pruitt better be happy he wearin' that helmet, he better turn the coach's speakers up nice and loud so he can't hear me, or I'll be in his head like a freakin' brain eating parasite!! All up in them brains man!  FOR REAL!

DIG?!

[Talon]

A MAD MAN BURSTS INTO YOUR OFFICE, HE MAY BE A RELATIVE BUT NO ONE IS QUITE SURE.. HE SIMPLY SCREAMS T.C.F.Y!!!! OVER AND OVER, INSULTING YOU REPEATEDLY AND NONSENSICALLY UNTIL ANOTHER MAN STEPS INTO THE ROOM.

PUT YOUR HANDS UP, SCUMBAG!!!!!!




A BATTLE BREAKS OUT, SECURITY BOB JR SLAMS THE BELLIGERENT MAN ON THE FLOOR OVER AND OVER BEFORE DRAGGING HIM OFF AND THROWING HIM INTO A JAIL CELL, WHERE HE IS NEVER TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

[Talon]

YOU LISTEN HERE YOU SORRY SON OF A BITCH! 

YOU GOT A LOT OF NERVE FIRING MY FATHER!  YOU'RE A SCUM BAG, A RAT TURD LICKING ASS-WAGON!  MY FATHER FLOATED ON A COOLER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN WHILE THE NORTH KOREANS WERE OUT THERE TRYING TO KILL HIM, AND THEN YOU FIRE HIM AFTER ONE YEAR?!  YOU ARE THE WORST, AND I HOPE YOU GET YOUR ASS KICKED BY THE NEW OWNER, JUST LIKE YOU GET BEAT BY THE LAST ONE!!!!

[Talon]

I'll let you get situated

---

Ms Watson can you get me newly retired Hector Houser

What's up?

The Atlanta Warriors release AC Kevin Corral and will pay the 1 mil remainder of his salary through S11

We have recently opened up a spot on our coaching staff for an AC. We have two dynamic WR's in Pitts and West and I believe you can push them to that next step and really work with our offense. I am offering you the job to be our AC for 3 years at 3 Mill per, interested?

HECTOR HOUSER WATCHES AS A DEJECTED KEVIN CORRAL EXITS THE FACILITY WITH A LARGE CARDBOARD BOX OF HIS OWN STUFF... HE LOOKS AT HECTOR, A TEAR IN HIS EYE.


Dude... Cold ass world... I'm out of here.  You're cold as the other side of the pillow, and man, I like it warm and fuzzy.   

Dueces, yo.

[Talon]

You got a deal, just make sure everyone thinks I drove a hard bargain.

After tough negotiations, the Tucson Stars are proud to announce the signing of Christopher Boatwright for 4 years, $10MM and $2MM in signing bonus

[Talon]

With the 24th pick in the 2nd round of the 2020 season 11 draft, the Alabama Nighthawks  select:

David Johnson, Offensive Guard - Oklahoma

So lets get something straight GM Puncho.  You might be a champ, but embarrassing me in front of my sister-cousin and my mother-aunt was not cool at all... my name is DAVIS Johnson, not David!  I ain't no pansy boy, I'm a MAN.

We dropped the ball on that one Davis and I am more than happy to apologize to your sister-cousin and mother-aunt personally and explain the situation. Family is very important to me so I can understand your frustration.

But we do have to discuss a contract. How about 3 years 2 million?

Nope.  gonna have to pony up for the mental damage you done did to me and my nephew-son.

AND you got a nephew-son? I thought I already felt terrible but I realize how much I dropped the ball. Let's make it 3 years 2.5 million

[Talon]

I will celebrate a great deal before hibernation begins... Training Camp brings the warmth of summer, and that is when the Bear will emerge, HUNGRY, ANGRY, AND POWERFUL.

[Talon]

AS YOU ARE BERATED IN CHINESE, YOU ANSWER YOUR PHONE AND AGREE TO THE TRADE WITH GM POWERS IN MICHIGAN... HEARING THE DEAL FIRST HAND, PANG TONG GOES APE SHIT, SCREAMING LOUDER IN EVEN MORE CHINESE, GRABBING YOUR OFFICE PHONE AND HURLING IT OUT OF THE OPEN WINDOW, DOWN TO THE BUSY HIGHWAY WHERE IT IS CRUSHED BY ELIAS IBRAHIMOVIC'S LIMO AS IT LEAVES, STILL SPEWING AUTOGRAPHED 100's FROM THE WINDOW AS IT DEPARTS.

NO! NO! NO!!! YOU NEVER MAKE BAD TRADES LIKE THIS!!! PLEASE DON'T DO THIS!  NO NO NO!!!! GM POWERS IS NOT A FRIEND OF NEW JERSEY!

[Talon]

ELIAS LEAVES, BUT NOT UNTIL HE TALKS WITH THE TEAM'S OWNER, WHERE HE DEMANDS HIS FULL S11 SALARY AND BONUS IN CASH.

IBRAHMIOVIC LEAVES THE TEAM FACILITY WITH A LARGE SANTA SACK OVER HIS SHOULDER, HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS FALLING FROM IT LIKE THE DANDRUFF IN HIS FORMER GM'S HAIR..  AS HE DEPARTS NEW JERSEY FOR THE FINAL TIME AS A MEMBER OF THE TEAM, HE HANDS OUT AUTOGRAPHED BILLS TO THE FANS, LEAVING HIS MARK ON THEM FOREVER.

[Talon]

Milord, I am sorry, but Mr. Kuhn has donated his body to science and is no longer able to communicate with humans.

[Talon]

Ms Watson, please bring Jose Zambrano to the office discreetly and bring him to Agent McCufferson.

I called him to the office sir, but apparently when he saw the agent's vehicle outside he fled into the treeline surrounding our training facility and is now on the run or hiding in the humid Georgia forest..

[Talon]

"Anderson, let me ask you a question, where are you currently employed?"

 





Not the Oakland Silverbacks.  ..and I believe that will not change today.

[Talon]

Charlotte is done with these cunts.

[Talon]

While I got you on the phone.....James Booth. Would he at all be interested in signing for that vet minimum of $500K to join us here in Music City?

I gotta take my shot. And shooters shoot, my man.

No, and I'm insulted that you'd think he would do something like that.  He deserves $10MM per season, $500K isn't enough to get him to shave his balls.

[Talon]

Lead the team in passing and rushing man... so hate on someone else.

FLOURISH!


DAVE HANSEN DARTS OUT OF THE ROOM LIKE A BAD MAGICIAN

[Talon]

THE LIGHTS LOWER CREATING A BROADWAY-ESQUE AMBIANCE. SUDDENLY PIANO MUSIC BEINGS TO PLAY AS COACH BUYERS BEGINS TO SING.

"Lets face the facts about me and you, two jobs SO Specified!

Though I'm proud to call you boss and sir; there are things you say so let me clear the a-ir!

I know you feel these same things too, but now I can't keep it inside, because I COACH and you GM the team, but sometimes I think that you forget!


I COACH; AND YOU GM!   I COACH     I'M NOT THE G-M! 

THERE'S NOTHING STRANGE ABOUT IT, IN MY EYEEEEEEEEEES!

I'm here to talk the x's and o's ; but I'm not their to advise and SIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!


I COACH, AND YOU G-M, MY GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUY!!!!


THE MUSIC INCREASES DRAMATICALLY AS THE ENTIRE COACHING STAFF JOINS IN,   YOUR SECRETARY BEGINS AN INTERPRETIVE DANCE IN THE CORNER AND EVEN BC JAMES MAKES A CAMEO EXPLAINING TO YOU THE DIFFERENCE IN YOUR JOB AND THAT OF THE GENERAL MANAGER.


THE INTENSE MUSIC, OUTLANDISH COSTUMES, AND HOWLING PACK OF TRAIN WOLVES COMES TO AN EPIC CRECENDO AS THE CHORUS OF "I COACH AND YOU GM" IS BELTED BY THE ENTIRE VANCOUVER ORGANIZATION, FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA THE LYRICS RING OUT, LEAVING YOU VERY SURE THAT ITS UP TO YOU TO DECIDE WHO TO RE-SIGN.

[Talon]

Thank you everyone for waiting. It was a difficult end to the season for this team and sucks that we fell just a bit short of having a shot to bring a championship to Seattle this season. But I can't tell you enough how proud I am of this group. On more than one occasion, we got knocked down but never stayed down. We kept fighting back until the fight was over. Nothing but love to those guys in the locker room.

I know you have a lot of questions about whats next for the Lumberjacks and what's our offseason plans... but I'm going to stop you there as I have an important announcement to make.

I just came from our locker room where I told Mr. Reigns, Coach Graham and the rest of the staff, and the players that I am officially calling an end to this amazing journey that I've been fortunate to call a job.

This decision did not come easy, but after discussing with my family and those close to me, this is the right time. I hate that I wasn't able to bring a championship to this great city, but I take pride in knowing that whoever takes this position has an amazing coaching staff, a locker room full of talented players, and will have an opportunity to finish what I wasn't able to here.

I have a lot of people to thank, so bear with me.

First and foremost, I want to thank my beautiful wife for allowing a sports nerd like me to have one of the best jobs imaginable. I want to thank my daughter for being my ultimate motivation. I love you both so much.

I want to thank our owner here in Seattle. Mr. Arnold Reigns and his family. Thank you for treating me like family and for instilling confidence in me. Your faith into my craft as a GM is something I will always cherish and look back upon with a lot of fondness. I also want to thank Mr. Herschel Kiss, owner of the D.C. Cobras for giving me my first opportunity in this league. We enjoyed a lot of success together and although my time with the organization ended on a sour note, I'll always cherish my time in the nations capital.

I've worked with some amazing coaches along the way. My coaching staff in D.C., with Coach Saint, Coach Blank, Coach Farmer... we took the league by storm on our way to two Impact Bowl Championships. I learned a lot from you all and you will always hold a special place in my heart for the success we shared together. My coaches here in Seattle. Coach Graham, you've been my rock that I've had to lean on. I'm sorry you didn't always get the best version of me, but I appreciate you always giving me your best. While we didn't achieve our ultimate goal, it was still five plus seasons of being one of the best and consistent teams in the league. To all the assistant coaches that worked with me in Seattle... thank you for all the hard work and commitment to this team and this city.

Man, I have had the honor and privilege of working with some all-time great players. Thank you to each and everyone of you, but I do want to give some special shout outs to some players that help make me look much smarter than I really am. My Cobra offense... Sully, General, Herbie, Ant, CliffBar, Meeks, Barber, Myers, Makai and my Cobra defense... the great Larry Stevens, Fajardo, Good, Wright, Kirk, Glass. The best damn special teams unit... the O-Sassassin and Aoki. My boys here in Seattle. The Savior, Classic, Quan, DP, Large, Cooley, Big Nip, Back, Dam. And on defense, Hagan, Matthews, Embiid, Lai, Morris, Lightner, Boyd, Rose. Thanks for helping create my legacy.

Thank you to Lolly and Starr for all the hard work. You make the difficult task of being an assistant look seamless. It's been an absolute pleasure to be your boss.   

To some fellow GMs that helped drive me to be better. Pancho, you won the race to 1 and the race to 3. But I'll ways be the first to do it back to back and have two on the hand. No doubt about it though, despite our disagreements at times, you're the best to call themselves GM. To Kirk, we had some amazing battles and I always considered you the measuring stick to which I had to attempt to keep up with. To GM Gates, thanks for being the best damn GM Rep and it's always been an honor sharing the Hall of Champions with you. To GM Gooch, you're one of the good ol' boys. You've never let this game ruin that part of you and I will miss your combine BBQs. To GM Powers, I still can't look past your actions of your past, but I respect the way you've rebuilt yourself and don't worry, you'll still get your annual Christmas card from the Hall of Champions. To GM Metro, one of the OG's that is still without hardware. I'm pulling for you this season. To everyone else I didn't mention, you've all had an impact on my career in some way, continue striving for greatness. Oh... and of course... GM Oldfield. Thanks for always being my punching bag.

Quickly, I want to thank all you in the media. The agents. The medical workers. All the behind the scene employees who make a lot of what we do in this business work like clockwork.

Thank you to the late Talon Wilkinson. This league is not the same without you, but because of your vision, hard work, and dedication to your craft... this league will carry on the legacy you've built. Thanks for creating this league and providing me the opportunity to do what I love.

And last and certainly not least. Thank you to the fans in D.C., the fans in Seattle, and HIFL fans all across the globe. You are the heartbeat of this league and the reason it will carry on long after me. Thank you for cheering. Thank you for booing. Thank you for the passion you bring to the games and this league.

I look forward to spending my time with my family and watching this league continue to blossom.

As a good mate said during a chat recently, �everything has a beginning and an end�. The timing to end this chapter of my journey seems about as right as it could be and I leave with zero regrets. And while I don't have all the answers. In life, to be honest, I failed as much as I have succeeded. But I love my wife. I love my life. And I wish you my kind of success.

[GM Gooch]

Toronto Honey Badgers get:
David Hatchett

New Jersey Dragons get:
A warm fuzzy feeling from re-uniting two friends.

[GM Gooch]

THIRTY-EIGHT MEN ENTER YOUR OFFICE, LOCKING ARMS.

THE MASCOT ENTERS "SHORTLY" AFTER...

[GM Gooch]

ORALE!

[GM Gooch]

Absolutely!  I've been conditioning all my life for this!

[GM Gooch]

Thank you


Can I Speak to James T. Cain about his Client LB Al Barclay

the offer is 2 years 1 million

Do you think my brother is The Undertaker?  Or Abel?  ...We'll decline, GM Black Derth

[GM Gooch]

The best GM in the business with the greatest franchise in the business.. It's a match made in Championship heaven.  Keep up the great work GM Pancho and Have a nice da-ay.

[GM Gooch]

If I had my way, he'd be entombed in the most bitter dark chocolate for all of eternity, frozen like Hans Solo in carbonite.

Needless to say publicly I will condemn the actions of the fans who assaulted him, but I will also push hard for his medical retirement from our team so that we no long have to suffer through him pissing in my sweet sweet chocolate fountain.

[GM C4]

Ms. Halle would you place a call to Scott Forrest thanks.

"Scott, I'm up against the cap a little bit but I'd like to make the same offer I made to another player during UFA, but he simply had more guaranteed cash on the table.

Basically the offer would be to play this season on a one year, 1.25 million dollar contract with a player option for a second season and the following incentive option attached:

Win one playoff game, option year contract increases to 2.5 million
Win two playoff games, option year contract increases to 3.5 million
Win three playoff games, option year contract increases to 4.75 million.
Win the impact bowl (whether it takes 3 or 4 wins to do so), option year contract increases to 6 million.

I know that's a little complex but we've got a fucking amazing defense here right now and the one thing we're missing is that 3rd corner to pair with Maxley and Britt.

I haven't played since pee wee but you have a deal.

CLEVLAND GOES OUTSIDE THE BOX SIGNING 68 YEAR OLD SCOTT FOREST TO ONE YEAR DEAL TO PLAY CORNER!

SOURCE: IAN RAPOPORT (SPORTS ILLUSTRATED)

[GM Gooch]

This just stands out to me as a great, thought provoking post from Eli.

"First... thanks for the heads up about DA.

You know, I think if you were a guy who wasn't loyal to the team you're on, you'd have kept that to yourself or wouldn't have even thought twice about telling me. I remember when we talked last you told me something your father always said to you. The wins will come, Morris. The wins will come. And I remember you reflecting that you didn't really understand what that meant at the time but I think I do now.. if you'll indulge my interpretation.

I think what your father was saying is that patience, persistence and dedication to finishing a job that you've started eventually leads to being rewarded. Here in Cancun we've started building something. You've started building something and the job isn't done yet. And while the wins aren't here yet if you stick with us... the wins will come, Morris. I promise you that. The wins will come."

[GM Gravedigger]

He forgot to say "Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose"...

[Talon]

Well I've said it a bunch of times this year and I'll say it again. The wins and losses don't matter. The growth we are exhibiting does, and Milt showed up to play didn't he? You noticed, I noticed, his teammates noticed...hell, the world noticed. Coach Dobbs is working hard with Milt, so I expect to see more progress as the latter half of the season unfolds.

Also of note is the agreement between the PFL and HIFL. It cost us our starting defensive end - through no fault of our own - but at least it's over. Nice job GM Rep Pancho.

That's all for this week, have a great day every-

GM POWERS CHECKS AN ALERT ON HIS PHONE

....Fosters got traded again!?! Hopefully they divert his plane and drop him off in the middle of nowhere. Did y'all know I didn't even know where I was when that happened?!? My wife was waiting for me! We had dinner reservations and....hey, where are you all going?

GM POWERS CONTINUES TO RANT, FOLLOWING THE MEDIA OUT OF THE ROOM TOWARDS THE ELEVATOR

....she come across as nice, but poof, she'll trade you away just like that! I took that team to the Impact Bowl! I thought I bought more time than that, but oh no.......

THE ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES, POWERS CONTINUING TO TALK

https://thehifl.com/boards/index.php?topic=46.msg16861#msg16861

[Talon]

https://thehifl.com/boards/index.php?topic=21.msg17909#msg17909

GM Wayne @BigWayner - Just Now


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